Hear You Me

Recommended listening: Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World
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Two months from yesterday one of my classmates passed away. Two months ago I remember the last night of summer spent at his wake. Although Alen and I were never very close, my friends and peers knew him well. And everyone loved him. Not a single person who knew him would disagree.
The wake still haunts me. Seeing his family and friends so broken and lost is an image my mind just cannot let go. Yesterday was his little sister's birthday. I cannot help but wonder how Alen's family manages to reconcile the loss of one child while still celebrating the life of his beautiful little sister.
Since Alen's death the incomprehensible process of grief has characterized the lives of many. His Facebook wall is utilized by friends as a way to connect and let him know he is never forgotten. People visit his family and the cemetery in efforts to cope and connect. And the newspaper staff of our school paper, The Torch, was given the opportunity to touch base with his family and shed light on the incredible person Alen was.

Not a day goes by where grieving isn't on my mind. And now, in my twelfth grade English class, we are finishing up The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. To me, the most poignant part of the novel has been when the Price family's youngest child, Ruth May, dies. Because the book is divided into sections narrated by various family members, as a reader I am able to experience everyone's individual reaction to the loss of Ruth May.
One line that really struck me was when the oldest daughter, Rachel, explains what it would be like when she told her mother that Ruth May was gone. "The whole world would change then, and nothing would ever be all right again. Not for our family. All the other people in the whole wide world might go on about their business, but for us it would never be normal again," (366).
This thought is echoed and felt by many grieving. In one moment, everything changes. The eeriest part is that, despite all the pain you as an individual are laboring through, the world spins on and people continue to go about their business. How do people manage to reintegrate themselves into the bigger picture of the world once their own world is shattered?

This question led me to search through a wealth of blogs and articles written by grieving families and grief counselors. But, despite all my reading, a definitive answer is difficult to find. For those still struggling, I did find numerous resources that are heart-warming and helpful.*
What I've gained through my reading and personal experiences is this: death leaves a permanent impact on one's life and identity. Time heals in some ways, erases in others, allowing the shaping of identity to travel the same road as grief. Loss of a loved one is painful beyond our capacity to feel, confusing beyond our ability to comprehend, and life-altering beyond our ability to resist. However, we must not let death be all that defines those we've lost, for their lives are what is worth remember.

*Brilliant blogs I'm now following:
The Newborn Identity: This blog details a father's journey as he copes the loss of one baby girl while simultaneously beginning to raise his new one.
Attack of the Redneck Mommy: This blog, which The Newborn Identity linked to, is enticing and humorous despite the immense family struggles that Redneck Mommy goes through. Her blog documents her efforts to love her children fully while still grappling with the loss of a son.
Grief Companion: This blog is written by a grief counselor and offers insight, advice, anecdotes, and optimism for those who are grieving.


Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing.
Ralph Waldo Emerson



RIP Alen Khoma (8.2.92-8.22.10) You will always be loved, missed, and remembered.

I Don't Want to Be

Recommended listening: I Don't Want to Be by Gavin DeGraw

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Dancing past the mirror,

timidly avoiding any reflection,

flirting with ignorance of what gazes back,

she escapes.

Head down,

chin glued to chest,

she scurries through the crowd,

escaping faces unlike her own.

Fighting the urge to

speak,

raise a hand,

voice a comment,

her tongue tingles with

thoughts never to be conveyed.

Endlessly struggling,

contemplating,

reevaluating,

her place.

Forever hiding,

lying,

avoiding.

She escapes.

This could apply to anyone at any point in time in any part of the world. The struggle with self and identity is not unique to any one individual or culture or time-period. The quest for understanding and acceptance is universal and timeless. This understanding has been crucial thus far in my blog and is the driving force behind this post.

In my English class we were given the following task: find a recently published article about Africa from a credible news source. Simple right? How much could there possibly be to consider or contemplate? Articles and news about America flood our senses every waking moment, so finding substantial news about Africa should be no different.

What my classmates and I realized was that the articles about Africa followed a set of trends. Articles often focused on one or more of the following: disease, poverty, technology, conflict, and foreign aid.

Beyond class my thoughts have shifted past just the trends to the implications for identity. Do these topics touch on enough? Do they paint an ample picture of the African identity? Is there an identity that is uniquely African? Can the entire continent be lumped together as one?

I by no means have all the answers, but my questions have led me to write this post and explore further. I found this source to be particularly insightful. One quotation that really stuck out to me was this:

It is, therefore, unfortunate today that there are some among us who are ashamed of their African heritage and identity, who are ashamed of their blackness and their African roots. Of course everyone is entitled to freedom of their own individual self-expression.

I agree that it is disappointing and extremely unsettling that there remain a number of African American people who, to this day, are not proud of their roots. Chavis goes on to mention President Barack Obama and the pride that should bring to African Americans. And, I would argue that many African Americans are truly very proud to have a president who is African American. But, what I think is missing, is pride in themselves for their race and ethnicity as well. Africa is a rich, complex, and enticing land. Society should not create the type of atmosphere in which any individual would have to be ashamed of their heritage, whether it be African or not.

Stretching past just Africa brings me back to the beginning of my post. All of us, whether black or white, young or old, confident or unsure, struggle with the notion of identity on a number of levels. Cultural identity is one very significant piece of that. After all of my exploration and thought, the challenge is this: How can we reconcile a stable understanding of ethnic identity in a world where so much culture-clash occurs?

All peoples are struggling to blast a way through the industrial monopoly of races and nations, but the Negro as a whole has failed to grasp its true significance and seems to delight in filling only that place created for him by the white man.

Marcus Garvey

Take My Hand

recommended listening: Take My Hand by Shawn McDonald

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With eyes still groggy she recites the Shema

With hands joined together they say grace

With knees on a rug, for the fifth time in the day, he prays

With a mind made up, you no longer have faith

How extensively does your G-d define you?

What does the symbol you wear around your neck say about you?

Who decides what to label your faith?

Where does religion end and your identity begin?

When do we begin to decide for ourselves?

Why must we be limited?

Whatever spiritual path we take, it shapes us. The religions we are brought up in, the scriptures we read, the discussions we have, all influence our faith. And, as a result, numerous other aspects of our lives. The impact of religion on one's character is immense.

The collaborative online journal, Pulse-Berlin, shed light on this and brought up some interesting ideas. Erin Wilson writes, "It is this search that gives religion its ability to deeply impact our identity: religion offers answers to our most difficult questions."

I agree with Wilson. Religion, in both positive and negative ways, shapes how we define ourselves and look at the world. When someone says they are a Christian, or a Jew, or a Muslim, or an Atheist, all of these labels bring with them countless associations, stereotypes, and nuances. And, the further someone strays from defining themselves in terms of religious affiliation, the more difficult it becomes to relate to them on that level or grasp their values and morals right away.

For example, I have been raised Jewish. I feel strongly connected to my Jewish roots and take pride in my religion. My family has worked hard to fight for religious freedom for my siblings and I. But, to be honest, we aren't really that Jewish at all. We drive on Shabbat, we eat pork, and we occasionally forget to light our Menorah on Hanukkah.

At the same time, I participate actively in the Youth Ministry program at my local Catholic Church and even lead religious retreats. As a result of this, many people question me. People have trouble wrapping their minds around the "hypocrisy" of my faith and spirituality. And, this judgement stretches past simply my faith to judging me as a whole. People see me as a confused hypocrite simply because I have chosen to shift and explore past societal norms for ways to characterize faith and identity.

I by no means share this in order to vent or complain, but rather to illuminate the ever-present correlation between religion and identity. We are defined as our religion by both ourselves and others. But I challenge you to find the strength to stretch past that. You are not simply a label or a line of scripture or a ritual. You are a medley of those things, supplemented by your ideas and experiences.

For further exploration of this topic I have found a plethora of useful and interesting information here.

Religion is essentially the art and the theory of the remaking of man. Man is not a finished creation.

Edmund Burke