Secret

Recommended listening: Secret by The Pierces

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Every Sunday morning the first thing I do is type wwww.postsecret.com into my browser. I am immediately taken to a blog filled with postcards from people all over the world sent to Frank Warren. PostSecret started off as a small community project where participants were simply asked to anonymously send in a secret on a decorated postcard. However, PostSecret is now an on-going global project and Warren travels around the country speaking and displaying secrets. Additionally, five PostSecret books have been published.

Although I have never personally sent in a secret, I love reading and looking at those that other people choose to share. Some are heart-breaking, confessing abuse or a life of regret. Others are light and funny, detailing little pet-peeves or pranks. Regardless of the secret, I am able to connect, in one way or another, with many of the postcards Frank posts. I think this connection stems from the fact that, big or small, there are many things in our lives that we keep more-or-less private and to ourselves. So, although our secrets may be different, having secrets makes us similar.

But, after weeks upon weeks of anticipating secrets, I couldn't help but think, What is it like for someone who sends in a secret? What does it do to your mind and soul to keep a secret bottled up inside? What happens to your identity when you shield an aspect of yourself from those around you?

Keeping a Secret

In my own personal experience, keeping a secret to yourself can create quite the identity crisis. If there is a big part of yourself you are hiding, it can consume you. It can be exhausting living in secrecy. Depending on the size of the secret it can then impact other aspects of one's identity. Furthermore, it is difficult to be genuine with those around you if you are keeping a secret from them.

For example, if a man is trying to hide the fact that he had an affair he may potentially begin acting differently towards his partner, therefore shaping his identity as a spouse.

Sharing a Secret

The simple act of telling your secret, or perhaps sending in a postcard, can be liberating. Although potentially very frightening, the opportunity to share a secret allows one to be honest and genuine. By acknowledging whatever the secret may be the severity of it can be diminished and a weight lifted off one's shoulders.

For example, if the same cheater comes clean then he and his partner may have the opportunity to reconcile the situation or at least deal with the secret.*

Impact of a Secret

After sharing a secret there is opportunity for self growth. Once a secret is out in the open people then have the chance to incorporate whatever element of themselves or their past they were hiding into their daily being.

For example, regardless of how the cheating situation turns out, by acknowledging what happened the cheater may then move on with the secret as only one aspect of his overall personality rather than a large blunder he had attempted to veil.

Fortunately, I have chosen to share my secret(s) with people I trust and it has made being myself that much easier.

What happens next?

Ideally, people accept you. I think the main concern keeping people from sharing their secrets is a fear of being judged or perceived differently. People generally work very hard to uphold an image, and if a secret is significant enough it can tear that image apart. However, if the response to your secret is positive, it helps you construct a more complete identity. One's self cannot be whole if something is being hidden.

*This article discusses how secrets impact the family dynamic once they are brought to the surface.

The man who keeps a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep.

Edgar Watson Howe

Home

Recommended listening: Home from The Wiz

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This past Friday the organization LiNK (Liberty in North Korea) came to speak at my school. As a board member of Global Citizens Club, a club which focuses on human rights, our themefor this portion of the year is LiNK. Three representatives from LiNK, called Nomads, came to show students LiNK's newest film: Hiding. The movie documented what it was like for North Korean refugees as they ventured through China, in hiding, and through South East Asia until they finally found safety in either South Korea or the United States. Although short, the film and entire LiNK organization sends a powerful message. There is an incredible humanitarian crisis going on in North Korea. What are we doing about it?

Friday night I went out to dinner with the Heartland Nomads.

I had a great time talking to them about their involvement in LiNK, the crisis in North Korea, and just about their lives in general. The entire day really got me thinking. The situation in North Korea, regardless of how informed you are, is still very difficult to grasp. What is it like to eat boiled bark as your only source of food? What is it like to choose between a life of oppression and one as the victim of sex trafficking? What is it like to have to flee your homeland?

Fortunately, these are questions I don't have a first-hand answer to. But the information LiNK shared with me has certainly opened my eyes to the situation, ignited a spark of passion to help in any way I can, and led me to blog. As a blogger about identity construction, I can't help but wonder how being a refugee impacts one's identity.

I came across this article about a Pakistani refugee. The more information I read, the luckier I feel. It almost goes without saying, but a huge part of who we are links (no pun intended) back to where we come from and where we live. In a sense, we are our home. Even if that home is a place of heartache or struggles, that home shapes who we are. All of our basic needs are met, or in some instances cannot be met, at home. And, when there is reason to leave that home, what becomes of us?

I guess the closest I can come to relating to the need to flee one's country and seek refuge is the idea of moving out and going to college. Of course, my version of leaving home is far more luxurious, but some of the same sort of principles still apply. Next fall, for the first time in my entire life, I'm going to be living on my own. I won't come back to my house, my family, or my hometown on a daily basis anymore. This is both exciting and frightening. Who will I be without the concept of home to fall back on? Will I rely more on stories of home to define me? Will I try to reinvent myself without home tying me down? Will my perception of home change? Who will I be once I've left the only home I've ever known?

Once these questions are put in a more mainstream framework, I think they have additional value. Although most of my readers have never had to flee their country in order to seek refuge due to starvation or oppression, most people can relate to the fear, anxiety, and life-altering impact of leaving home. At this point I don't have the answers to the above question, however they are worth thinking about. What impact does leaving home have on our identity?

“I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.”

Maya Angelou

Hold On

Recommended listening: Hold On by Good Charlotte

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As I walk down the hallways it is common to hear a conversation similar to the following:
"Hey man, what's up?"
"Oh, not much, just studying for this gay test Friday."
"Yeah man, bummer."
And, with that, the kids go on there way as if nothing at all has transpired.

To me, this is cause for alarm. People throw around the word gay, and even more potentially offensive terms, with little to no regard for the repercussions. In today's world, especially that of the youth, the word gay has come to mean lame or stupid.
The transformation of the word gay is on the minds of many and plays an integral role in our daily lives. Other bloggers have noticed the shift in our colloquial use of gay. This blog explores the origins of the word gay and how the label has developed over time. This blog identifies the same issues I raise, however the blogger claims that there is really no trouble or substantial harm in the evolution of the word gay. I beg to differ.
On Sept. 22, Tyler Clementi's Facebook status simply read, “Jumping off the gw bridge sorry.”

According to The New York Times, Clementi committed suicide after footage of him involved in a sexual encounter with another male aired on the Internet. Two of his Rutgers University classmates are currently being charged with invasion of privacy. Similar incidents have been increasing in frequency with six* teen suicides due to homophobic bullying reported in September.
Here, I believe the ramifications of certain attitudes and phobias related to homosexuals are apparent. Although I am by no means insinuating that someone using the word "gay" out of context drove Clementi to suicide, I do believe that the way our culture has shaped the word gay contributes to the rampant surge of homophobia that seems to be sweeping the nation.

So, what's next?

I think the best option is to start within. So many of us are guilty of throwing around the word gay out of context. The consequences of such word choice are legitimate and significant. Once we start monitoring ourselves and those around us we have a chance at changing the way we shape the evolution of the word gay. The bottom line is this: no one should have to deal with their identity being associated with such negative connotations. Being gay shapes the lives of many, but the negative connotations the word "gay" has accumulated are unnecessary in shaping the identity of gay individuals as well as the identity of our society as a whole.

Everybody's journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality.
James Baldwin

*Six Teen Suicides in September:
Billy Lucas: Sept. 9
Cody J. Barker: Sept. 13
Seth Walsh: Sept. 19
Asher Brown: Sept. 23
Raymond Chase: Sept. 29

*movement in response to the increase in frequency of teen suicides: It Gets Better Project

*much of this also applies to the word retarded

Hear You Me

Recommended listening: Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World
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Two months from yesterday one of my classmates passed away. Two months ago I remember the last night of summer spent at his wake. Although Alen and I were never very close, my friends and peers knew him well. And everyone loved him. Not a single person who knew him would disagree.
The wake still haunts me. Seeing his family and friends so broken and lost is an image my mind just cannot let go. Yesterday was his little sister's birthday. I cannot help but wonder how Alen's family manages to reconcile the loss of one child while still celebrating the life of his beautiful little sister.
Since Alen's death the incomprehensible process of grief has characterized the lives of many. His Facebook wall is utilized by friends as a way to connect and let him know he is never forgotten. People visit his family and the cemetery in efforts to cope and connect. And the newspaper staff of our school paper, The Torch, was given the opportunity to touch base with his family and shed light on the incredible person Alen was.

Not a day goes by where grieving isn't on my mind. And now, in my twelfth grade English class, we are finishing up The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. To me, the most poignant part of the novel has been when the Price family's youngest child, Ruth May, dies. Because the book is divided into sections narrated by various family members, as a reader I am able to experience everyone's individual reaction to the loss of Ruth May.
One line that really struck me was when the oldest daughter, Rachel, explains what it would be like when she told her mother that Ruth May was gone. "The whole world would change then, and nothing would ever be all right again. Not for our family. All the other people in the whole wide world might go on about their business, but for us it would never be normal again," (366).
This thought is echoed and felt by many grieving. In one moment, everything changes. The eeriest part is that, despite all the pain you as an individual are laboring through, the world spins on and people continue to go about their business. How do people manage to reintegrate themselves into the bigger picture of the world once their own world is shattered?

This question led me to search through a wealth of blogs and articles written by grieving families and grief counselors. But, despite all my reading, a definitive answer is difficult to find. For those still struggling, I did find numerous resources that are heart-warming and helpful.*
What I've gained through my reading and personal experiences is this: death leaves a permanent impact on one's life and identity. Time heals in some ways, erases in others, allowing the shaping of identity to travel the same road as grief. Loss of a loved one is painful beyond our capacity to feel, confusing beyond our ability to comprehend, and life-altering beyond our ability to resist. However, we must not let death be all that defines those we've lost, for their lives are what is worth remember.

*Brilliant blogs I'm now following:
The Newborn Identity: This blog details a father's journey as he copes the loss of one baby girl while simultaneously beginning to raise his new one.
Attack of the Redneck Mommy: This blog, which The Newborn Identity linked to, is enticing and humorous despite the immense family struggles that Redneck Mommy goes through. Her blog documents her efforts to love her children fully while still grappling with the loss of a son.
Grief Companion: This blog is written by a grief counselor and offers insight, advice, anecdotes, and optimism for those who are grieving.


Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing.
Ralph Waldo Emerson



RIP Alen Khoma (8.2.92-8.22.10) You will always be loved, missed, and remembered.

I Don't Want to Be

Recommended listening: I Don't Want to Be by Gavin DeGraw

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Dancing past the mirror,

timidly avoiding any reflection,

flirting with ignorance of what gazes back,

she escapes.

Head down,

chin glued to chest,

she scurries through the crowd,

escaping faces unlike her own.

Fighting the urge to

speak,

raise a hand,

voice a comment,

her tongue tingles with

thoughts never to be conveyed.

Endlessly struggling,

contemplating,

reevaluating,

her place.

Forever hiding,

lying,

avoiding.

She escapes.

This could apply to anyone at any point in time in any part of the world. The struggle with self and identity is not unique to any one individual or culture or time-period. The quest for understanding and acceptance is universal and timeless. This understanding has been crucial thus far in my blog and is the driving force behind this post.

In my English class we were given the following task: find a recently published article about Africa from a credible news source. Simple right? How much could there possibly be to consider or contemplate? Articles and news about America flood our senses every waking moment, so finding substantial news about Africa should be no different.

What my classmates and I realized was that the articles about Africa followed a set of trends. Articles often focused on one or more of the following: disease, poverty, technology, conflict, and foreign aid.

Beyond class my thoughts have shifted past just the trends to the implications for identity. Do these topics touch on enough? Do they paint an ample picture of the African identity? Is there an identity that is uniquely African? Can the entire continent be lumped together as one?

I by no means have all the answers, but my questions have led me to write this post and explore further. I found this source to be particularly insightful. One quotation that really stuck out to me was this:

It is, therefore, unfortunate today that there are some among us who are ashamed of their African heritage and identity, who are ashamed of their blackness and their African roots. Of course everyone is entitled to freedom of their own individual self-expression.

I agree that it is disappointing and extremely unsettling that there remain a number of African American people who, to this day, are not proud of their roots. Chavis goes on to mention President Barack Obama and the pride that should bring to African Americans. And, I would argue that many African Americans are truly very proud to have a president who is African American. But, what I think is missing, is pride in themselves for their race and ethnicity as well. Africa is a rich, complex, and enticing land. Society should not create the type of atmosphere in which any individual would have to be ashamed of their heritage, whether it be African or not.

Stretching past just Africa brings me back to the beginning of my post. All of us, whether black or white, young or old, confident or unsure, struggle with the notion of identity on a number of levels. Cultural identity is one very significant piece of that. After all of my exploration and thought, the challenge is this: How can we reconcile a stable understanding of ethnic identity in a world where so much culture-clash occurs?

All peoples are struggling to blast a way through the industrial monopoly of races and nations, but the Negro as a whole has failed to grasp its true significance and seems to delight in filling only that place created for him by the white man.

Marcus Garvey

Take My Hand

recommended listening: Take My Hand by Shawn McDonald

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With eyes still groggy she recites the Shema

With hands joined together they say grace

With knees on a rug, for the fifth time in the day, he prays

With a mind made up, you no longer have faith

How extensively does your G-d define you?

What does the symbol you wear around your neck say about you?

Who decides what to label your faith?

Where does religion end and your identity begin?

When do we begin to decide for ourselves?

Why must we be limited?

Whatever spiritual path we take, it shapes us. The religions we are brought up in, the scriptures we read, the discussions we have, all influence our faith. And, as a result, numerous other aspects of our lives. The impact of religion on one's character is immense.

The collaborative online journal, Pulse-Berlin, shed light on this and brought up some interesting ideas. Erin Wilson writes, "It is this search that gives religion its ability to deeply impact our identity: religion offers answers to our most difficult questions."

I agree with Wilson. Religion, in both positive and negative ways, shapes how we define ourselves and look at the world. When someone says they are a Christian, or a Jew, or a Muslim, or an Atheist, all of these labels bring with them countless associations, stereotypes, and nuances. And, the further someone strays from defining themselves in terms of religious affiliation, the more difficult it becomes to relate to them on that level or grasp their values and morals right away.

For example, I have been raised Jewish. I feel strongly connected to my Jewish roots and take pride in my religion. My family has worked hard to fight for religious freedom for my siblings and I. But, to be honest, we aren't really that Jewish at all. We drive on Shabbat, we eat pork, and we occasionally forget to light our Menorah on Hanukkah.

At the same time, I participate actively in the Youth Ministry program at my local Catholic Church and even lead religious retreats. As a result of this, many people question me. People have trouble wrapping their minds around the "hypocrisy" of my faith and spirituality. And, this judgement stretches past simply my faith to judging me as a whole. People see me as a confused hypocrite simply because I have chosen to shift and explore past societal norms for ways to characterize faith and identity.

I by no means share this in order to vent or complain, but rather to illuminate the ever-present correlation between religion and identity. We are defined as our religion by both ourselves and others. But I challenge you to find the strength to stretch past that. You are not simply a label or a line of scripture or a ritual. You are a medley of those things, supplemented by your ideas and experiences.

For further exploration of this topic I have found a plethora of useful and interesting information here.

Religion is essentially the art and the theory of the remaking of man. Man is not a finished creation.

Edmund Burke

We are what We are

Sitting beneath a tree,

back propped up against the trunk,

notebook in hand,

my thoughts race.

My hand darts around the page,

doodling, sketching, spewing

verse after unconnected verse.

My eyes survey the still water,

longing for answers and inspiration.

I grow fixated on the willow tree before me,

it's reflection glitters and sways.

Staring down at a name,

dates etched into stone.

Examining the dash,

questioning the reasons,

frantically searching for answers.

I am enveloped by uncertainty,

suffocated by longing,

drowning in the need to understand.

Now

writing a blog,

wondering aloud,

why? who? how?

the search now public,

fluid,

waiting to be shared.

Exploration of the human need,

the everlasting desire,

to know one's self.

The unquenchable desire for understanding of the self overcomes the countless differences so alive in the world today. People live by different philosophies, different morals, different faiths, different customs, different motivations, different languages, and countless other differences. But, what trumps those differences is the universal longing to uncover one's identity. The search for identity is a life-long undertaking that shapes how we perceive ourselves and interact with those around us.

Before things kick into high gear, you should know why my blog is called All we are, We are. First of all, the song is just a pleasant listen. This is the type of stuff I'll be listening to when I write my blog, so feel free to do the same. Next, the philosophy behind my blog title is this: despite all the differences we have, we are ultimately a "we". When it comes to the most important concepts, ideas, and longings in life, we don't differ much at all. And, when it comes to the search for truth and identity, we are what we are. Our identity, our true selves, are there waiting to be shaped and discovered.

Most often, I will aim to highlight both the "we" and the "I". In this case, as a means of introduction, I feel it is necessary to shed some light on the "I".

I will work to navigate the complex world of self and identity as you jump on board with me. I am what I am -- I will reveal what I can about myself and my knowledge in order to reach insight into identity. I am unsure of exactly what is to come, but I guarantee it will be nothing short of an adventure. And I invite you to join me.

I, Jamie Tolmatsky, am taking a pledge to explore identity -- on its many levels, with its multiple nuances, in its various manifestations -- through the use of this blog. Supplemented by classroom work this blog will document my journey and exploration of identity.

You may be thinking to yourself, now how does a 17 year old girl's quest for understanding make any difference? I could list off a number of answers in effort to defend myself and rationalize your interest in my blog, however I think the best approach is to simply let you follow along and see for yourself.

An identity would seem to be arrived at by the way in which the person faces and uses his experience.

James Baldwin